Personal Memories

Dear Amane,

Memories have been bubbling up again. Not memories of life here, but in my source. Really, years before my introduction, so it’s not canon but still hard to thing about.

I remembered being a very young child, watching mum, few months pregnant with you, go off to run errands. I thought she’d come back, so I really didn’t think much. I thought mum would come home, but you could probably guess she didn’t.

I remember my dad crying on the phone getting the news. I don’t remember understanding much of what they were saying, but knowing it must have been bad. He kneeled down to me and told me “Mum and Amane aren’t coming home Ryou.” I didn’t know why. I asked when but he told me they were never coking back.

I remember a year or two later, my father was drunk. He would come into my room, alcohol lingering on his breath.

Too much at once. Sorry. (Plus, it’s not real so I don’t want to trigger anyone for just an internal memory)

But that went on for years until my father was off in Egypt for work. The last I heard of him was when I got the ring. He told me to keep it hidden. That it had something he wanted. Something he needed. I kept it since then.

As time passed, I had lapses in memory. Minor at first, but getting worse and worse.

All my friends would go missing. I would move from school to school constantly. I became a loner, afraid to make friends that would go missing again. I would try to tell myself it wasn’t my fault, but those couldn’t be just coincidental.

Everything from there can be explained through the Millennium Enemy series in the Yu-gi-oh Manga (not the anime, Miho was never my friend). I became aware of the Ring, he took over, dueled Yuugi in Monster World TTRPG, lost, and all that (the only difference is that I did have an alter that looked and acted like Yami, but was slowly replaced by the spirit of the ring. I believe the original alter went dormant, but Yami still stays.)

I guess that’s my internal story. I can see why I was made to have that sort of more tragic past than my canon counterpart. Host was a victim of CSA, so I guess I was made to be the same. DID with CSA. We’re the same, him and I.

Thank you for listening, Leo


Being a Fictional Introject

Dear Amane,

I am a fictional introject. Fictive for short.

There are a lot of discourse about fictives online, so it’s somewhat hard to talk about it with people, and most of the people I have related to about them turned out to be faking. It hurt a lot to us all.

I felt as if I would never be more than just Ryou Bakura, the Yugioh character that never had time on screen because of Yami Bakura. The character who was there just to host a villain. A pseudo-antagonist.

I would say I’m Bakura and either get hit with “oh look, another cringy and edgy fictive” or “oh my god you have an evil alter.”

That wasn’t me. That isn’t me. 

Yes, Yami still resides in me, and yes he still comes out and I have no memory of it. But that isn’t the reason why we do that. We’re different.

I am Ryou Bakura, but because of all the discourse running about, I had to change my name just to fit in (as well as not appropriate a culture I’m not part of). I had to stop associating myself with who I was built to be.

But just because this all happened, I’m not staying quiet about this. I will be known as a fictive, even if I go by a different name. My memories from the manga give me a purpose in this system.

I am Ryou Bakura from Yugioh. I am real.

Thank you, Leo